Moleman’s Epic Rap Battles #43-B: Sonic Vs. Star Wars, Part 2
Image by Moleman9000
VIDEO: (Coming in due time)
••• SCRIPT/LYRICS: •••
(Continued from: www.deviantart.com/molemanninethousand/art/MERB-43-A-Luke…)
"You will kill Sonic the Hedgehog", voices in my head command me,
And said order needn’t be repeated; I’ll fulfill it gladly,
And not settle for some clone made from a severed former hand,
When in to bust Jade’s Fire verses comes the Emperor’s former Hand!
You wanna dance with me? Well, you should know: this isn’t Jabba’s palace,
So no stealth is necessary here; I spit with open malice!
I won’t second-guess this mission, let alone become your bride;
You couldn’t get me to join you with a swarm of Killiks on your side!
Before, I made blue foes concessions; ever since, I’ve learned my lesson:
I’m resistant to suggestion, and to deadly spore-infection!
That insane old man’s foresight fell flat; that much, I made him see,
But mark my words: Princess Acorn will soon fall to her knees for me!
I rocked that purple saber-blade before Sam Jackson made it mainstream;
Like Luke getting with Callista, beating me is just a vain dream!
I’m a Wild Karrde: a dark tyke-bomb-turned-smuggler with a blaster,
Then wife, mother, and, of course, the O.G. female Jedi Master!
Sonic the Hedgehog:
This ain’t Yavin; no quick saves! Abandon ship; trust me: you wanna,
Lest you be exposed to coldness vaster than at the Katana!
Sally Acorn: All we’ll need to counter that display rests right here in my hand;
With me through many a bizarre adventure, just call this my Stand…
I enter with a will of Iron, though not as Regina’s minion:
I’m a holo-hottie, here to put you under my Dominion!
A Lynx more Advanced than any Game Boy, let alone Atari’s,
I detect no threat from you, and certainty that you’ll be sorry!
I’m a truly self-made woman if this world’s ever seen one,
Constructing cities out of scratch; how? Check it: nanomachines, son!
My evil counterpart assumed a turtle’s form, the crazy bastard;
Overclocking won’t be needed for my going greatly faster!
Though your dossiers’ downloads were massive, I’m a rapid learner;
If Jade’s bark had any bite, she’d off Luke sooner than he’d turn her!
I don’t give a BEEP about that garbage canister of yours;
If rebel data’s what you’re after, I’m the one you’re looking for!
In trying to bring about my ousting, this wack wizard won’t get far:
I’ll hack into his puny mind; entrance him like The Crystal Star,
For I’m not of this universe! They flung a light into the past,
And soon, you’ll share my makers’ fate, struck by my verbal-nuking blasts!
Keen on inciting our armada’s wrath? If not, then don’t be starting:
That’s like building up a settlement atop some ancient garden!
Luke Skywalker: I project true power; this glorified Pokédex just spouts noise!
Mara Jade: Her flimsily-fabricated feline form couldn’t catch a mouse droid!
Pardoning Kyp’s stellarcide surely made you some enemies;
What, did you try forgetting that? Well, here: I’ll jog your memory…
Sally Acorn: Seeing as the royal army isn’t here to represent our nation:
To me, Freedom Fighters!
Sonic the Hedgehog: Reassemble!
NICOLE: Roll out!
Sonic, Sally and NICOLE: BATTLESTATIONS!
As I once more steal the show, this time I’ll make it worth the while;
Fools should know: I am the fuel that shall sustain this track for miles!
Far-empowered from the coward I was in the early years,
You’ll need a whole lot more than margarine to get me squirming here!
When the Great War is reignited, I’ll repeat my dad’s performance.
Once a hopeless romance-rival, I’m now regularly scoring
With a hot cyborg like Krillin, and bells soon will sound once more,
But not in light of any wedding as it’s you they’re tolling for.
I am the walrus! To the Eggman, though, I’m polar-opposite:
The engineer of the salvation of a planet’s populace!
No Herd-mentality-subscriber, my inventiveness is boundless,
More than any carpenter’s; where’d you think Tails picked up his prowess?
Rock ‘n’ roll like my bazooka that was nearly Buttnik’s Boomer,
I’m far too fly for the council; should’ve left them even sooner!
Now, I’ve got my own Stark-style suit, and my own team, at that,
But you’re unfit to join, and that says lots; we let in Big the Cat!
Be silent here? Like the "T" in my surname, I ain’t going to,
For one attracts more flies with sugar, but I’ll shit all over you:
A worse nightmare for y’all than mine where metal overtakes my person,
‘Cause you’re feeble as the Auntie-Bodies of my Anti-version!
Midget Morgan Freeman gave me these upgrades so I could wreck you;
I just keep going and going, needing no cell to connect to!
With apologies to Beauregard, who raised me way back when,
Neither your asses or the South are ever gonna rise again!
There’s no country for you on Mobius!
Bunnie: You tell ’em, Antoine, sugar!
Antoine: You’ll be slaughtered; we’ll put steel bolts in your brains like Anton Chigurh!
Rotor: Penders’ word on my love life was wholly unsubstantiated,
But there’s ample indication that you’re getting devastated!
Bunnie: Taking after our Sand-Blaster chapter, things are getting bloody!
Antoine: You’re old hat, á la Master K’Kruhk…
Bunnie: …But won’t turn out as lucky!
NICOLE: This resistance lives on, always!
Sally Acorn: There can be no stopping us!
Sonic the Hedgehog: Even Ric Olié would agree: that much is sorely obvious!
Don’t think there’s too many of you for us to handle, now, you rats:
The weapon I’ve inherited is known for cutting little brats!
Luke Skywalker: My set of students fared far better, but don’t take it from just one guy;
Get schooled on the matter by the most badass of our alumni…
D’Coolette, you’d better cool it: sheathe your blade soon as I enter;
Just regress back to the stereotype you stem from, and surrender!
Heed the wisdom of a certain other Antoine: hide your wife,
‘Cause obviously, I don’t need to self-destruct to take your life!
Your souls will be trapped here forever for so much as trying to battle
With the guy created for the plots too big for Luke to tackle!
Dealing blows strong, fast and medium, I’m one true triple threat,
Known as the galaxy’s Chuck Norris; fact: I fucked up Boba Fett!
The Death Star plans’ theft was but item one on my long venture-list:
I brought prophecies to fruition and killed dragons with my fists;
Aborted the rebirth of the regime I’d once served as a goon!
You’re like the game among whose clones mine stood out with its engine: Doomed!
I’ll drop the hammer harder than I dropped the Hammer on you bastards;
Of my droid and me, it’s I whose very stare’s a deadly hazard!
I brought fans the tech it took to stage fight scenes straight from the films;
Though on the Light Side, rapping-wise, I’m out to take the power-helm!
I ride the Raven’s Claw, yet Gryffindor’s where Hogwarts would be having me,
For I’m an alpha-male, but as for magical Academies,
This Jedi Battlemaster stands against your ilk’s admittance!
Even my arch-nemesis can see: your strength is nonexistent!
Don’t expect you’ll shut this bunny down; this ain’t your Marvel series!
Rotor: As intimidation goes, rag dolls have spooked me more severely!
Antoine: With your tainted bars, like poisoned food, you’re fouler still than Patch!
Freedom Fighters: This Star Wars-Smashing Squad will put you in the ground without a scratch!
Sally Acorn: While Kyle triumphed at the Valley, wait ’til our full force comes, rallied,
With the strength of eight Darksiders!
NICOLE: Should I send a beacon, Sally?
Sonic the Hedgehog: Nah; forget our friends Downunda, for I know far fiercer creatures:
I’ll be chilling out off-panel while you face our backup feature…
Knuckles the Echidna:
I’m gliding in to climb to tops of charts as I put you to pasture,
Striking iron-Knuckled blows against so-called Steel-Handed "Masters"!
One mere series couldn’t contain my people’s rich, proud history;
I’ll drive you deeper into madness than the Sith’s dark Mysteries!
Not just the Emeralds’ Guardian, I’m also keeper of these tracks;
If I go green here, know it ain’t with envy, you trespassing hacks!
My first friendship was forged with Sally at my home high up above,
But Sonic needn’t worry; I’ve got my own steady-going love…
That’s right, yo!
Finally: someone once more let me out of my cage;
I’m exiting the Twilight Zone, and entering a fit of rage!
The Legion’s freed, yet ultimate annihilation’s still in store;
You stopped three stages of Dark Forces? Call this trooper a phase-four!
The tech inside my hair alone puts that robotic hand to shame;
In fact, it’s said Shades of my character have made it to the games!
Plus, shout-out to a certain bat: go fuck yourself; the red one’s mine.
I know the way to Knuckles’ soul; want the Ugandan version? Fine…
I came in packing heat before that punk edgelord made it uncool:
I’ve got a Luger for Grandmaster Luke; I’ll straight-up cap you fools!
If thinking you can take me on, you’re tripping on that Lemon stuff;
I even helped bring Amy‘s freedom-fighting prowess up to snuff!
No mere religious purge compares to all the horrors our kind has faced:
"A dingo ate my baby"? Try "Dingoes damn-near-wiped out my race"!
I brought along a frenemy who knows this well; this dude is ancient:
Unearthed after centuries, he’s waited long to make his statement…
I’ll make broken-minded, drooling cretins of you sorry devils!
Thus, you’ll let me break you down on a molecular level,
But unlike whom I quoted there, my transformed state won’t disappoint:
Commence the power-syphoning; I’m Ener-jacking up this joint!
Dimitri (Enerjak): In trying to bring the island of my nephew’s birth down from the heavens,
Chaos was unleashed, with Emerald energies cranked to eleven!
Third of my name and remaker of the realm in my own image,
I’m one ugly mofo, and you’ll make for easy prey; you’re finished!
Burial can’t keep me down, nor can I be kept up in space;
Even entombed, I’ll sow the seeds of revolution for my race.
Watch me get inside Mara’s head, taking the Emperor’s former place;
I’ll turn her back against her love, and banish Leia to the wastes!
Katarn has clearly gone insane! I’ll snap him out, though not through yielding:
Closer to a Thanos sort of snap; his fate, I’ll soon be sealing!
Once I raise my Nekronopolis, it’s these wretches’ apocalypse;
Sans divine intervention, by what else can I be toppled?
Julie-Su: This? (*DRAIN…*)
Dimitri: Gah! It seems I’ve been reduced to more machine than man,
But although I’m a head, we’re still ahead, and keeping to the plan,
For I speak purposefully, and not to weaken our cause from within:
Don’t Steppenwolf to this; our win’s a Locke! Now Lien-Da hand, my kin…
Chaotix’ captain’s dropping Mighty, Heavy Bombs yours can’t compete with,
As the fiercest creature of his kind you’ll find this side of Greek myth!
Julie-Su: While we risked assassination trying to reunite our nation,
When we go to war with you, there’ll be no reconciliation!
If your mom was Mari-Su, the apple didn’t fall far; go figure.
I’ll juice Julie dry, as if she were some grapes up in a vineyard!
Kyle Katarn: Leaving naught of Baxter Stockman here shouldn’t us take long at all;
I mean, for crying out loud: a pack of ants caused his initial fall!
Luke Skywalker: It ought to be a crime just bringing this brash Knuckles out in public;
Making like his future-self, I’ll tear his soul out through his stomach!
Princess Leia: You should know that yours won’t be the only party made to pay,
When an old hired gun steps straight out of Shadows into the fray!
Yo, had I not swooped in on Tatooine, Luke would have perished, surely;
Hell, I had the Gall to try and rescue Solo prematurely!
My sharpshooting helped save Leia from the clutches of the Black Sun;
Had the heroes’ backs at Echo Base while they fled in the Falcon!
My project paved the way for the prequels, plus the rereleases:
Check its tech props in A New Hope; they look sweet, however needless!
Screw you, Sega: my game on Nintendo Sixty-Four sold millions;
Man, we got our very own soundtrack damn-near on par with Williams’!
My Hoth level’s awesomeness inspired Rogue Squadron in its wake,
So Chuckie Finster over there can suck my nasty one-eyed snake!
Watch me entangle you with words, like making walkers go kaput;
I straight-up kicked Boba Fett’s ass!
(*Unimpressed silence; crickets…*)
…Then shot the Slave One down on foot!
Even cold-hearted robo-ladies can’t help warming up to Dash;
Like my big bro into some wack museum, you’re about to crash!
Well, many Bothans died because of my poor aim, and that’s no joke,
But this time I won’t miss as I’m the one who blows up furry folks!
You bit off Han’s whole schtick: the ship, sidekick and all! Are you for real?
Knuckles: Your character’s so unoriginal, I’ll call you "Donut Steel"!
Dimitri: This mind needs not a mortal form to keep things going neatly my way:
I’ll reciprocally mind-swap apprentice-pairs; think Freaky Friday!
You’re akin to Xizor’s home: so utterly bullshit-infested,
We should just blow you sky-high before your crappy rapping spreads it!
Luke Skywalker: Next, the mic goes to our killer secret weapon; he’s a star!
Princess Leia: He’ll come in like a wrecking ball; you’ll never have been hit so hard!
My Soul’s of highest caliber, and to the lore, I’m no mere guest:
This mighty martyr’s the kick-starter of the whole Rebellion-quest!
I put Skywalker’s working name to use, and made it something greater:
I’ve got Midis off the charts, and real Montoya-beef with Vader,
And although I brought him in alive, I’ll end you with my rhymes,
‘Cause yours are garbage; someone ought to dump them off on Raxus Prime!
I won’t let your foul Brood go free, though I will bring you resolution:
My Force-lightning skills are Infamous; they’ll be your execution!
Thrashing Knuckles, I’ll make an Endangered Species of his posse;
Sic my crazy training holo-droid on them: murder by PROXY!
Shaaked and shaken by my lyrics, you’ll be sent to the abyss:
Find no Salvation once this Rogue casts down his Shadow; be Eclipsed!
It took eleven-thirty-eight attempts at replicating this;
Luke killed a Rancor? Padawan’s play; watch me fry far bigger fish,
And I’m glad to have died a hero: had I lived, resuming villainy,
My dark self would have fucked up the entire classic trilogy!
This Star Destroyer-destroyer thinks he’s such a massive deal,
But he’s about to get blindsided; learn just how his master feels!
Knuckles: We’ll harrow you until your faces all go solid white, you clowns,
Then form a council and, like Finitevus…
Echidnas: …Vote to put you down!
How’s Mobius intend to top my Force Unleashed; Rule Thirty-Four?!
Kyle Katarn: Knux ain’t a true original; just look to Sonic’s early lore!
Dash Rendar: My contract called for eighteen bars, so… does this mean I get a raise?
Princess Leia: What? No, you scruffy-ass nerf herder!
Dash Rendar: Well, then… off to hyperspace! (*WHOOSH!*)
(*Kyle Katarn and Galen Marek are inadvertently caught up in the Outrider’s hyperspace jump…*)
…Something tells me that ship won’t be back to stage our timely rescue;
Like our foes post-Doomsday, seems it’s time to try a different venue:
I propose that our next generation join in on this jam!
Mara Jade: I’m not about to bring our son into this, Luke!
Princess Leia: Well, then, I am!
I’m burdened with the duty of absolving grandpa’s twisted legacy,
But I ain’t stressing here, for never would I join this enemy!
A chosen child Golden Globe Champ just like Ricky Schroder,
Prophecies attest: I represent the future of the Order.
Making enemies envious ever since I was in diapers,
Your Mongoose is cooked; it’s her swan song once I start up a cypher,
For this Solo isn’t solo in word-melding on the mic:
It’s truly Triple Trouble for you when we launch our sibling-strike!
It’s Twin Suns leader, standing by no longer; here for little brother!
Jacen Solo: …With her twin, sons, and we share a stronger bond than any other!
It won’t take five years of searching to reveal you stand for nothing:
You’re as fake as the Imperium’s alleged leader; fronting!
Try to hunt us down with your guerrilla tactics, and get owned,
Because I’ll slay your would-be queen before she ever takes the throne!
Jaina: I’m all in favor of diversity, within the realm of reason,
But come on: a French coyote; are your writers trying, even?
I’m to be addressed as "Goddess", suckers; didn’t you get the memo?
This Sword of the Jedi’s sharp as a molecular stiletto!
Jacen: Know I won’t embrace your painful raps, for empty are your words:
There’s more worth learning in the ramblings of some torture-happy bird!
Jaina: We’ve got the moves like Jagged, Felling you in one decisive swoop:
Sticking it to you doubly, to throw you for your final loop!
Though I’ve seen Darkest Knights returned to light, you’re way past all redemption!
Jacen: Violence is the answer here, and I’ll end you, no qualms, no question!
Anakin: Taking up Kenobi’s blade, which I retrieved, I’ll strike you down,
And death won’t make you powerful; I’ll always have the higher ground!
Jaina: We’re pushing past the Edge of Victory…
Jacen: …And you right off a cliff!
Solos: The holocaust these furballs face is no mere propaganda myth!
Jaina: My tricks will mess with mental sensors ’til you can’t tell friend from foe!
Jacen: To stave off your Light future-vision, there are no lengths I won’t go!
Anakin: I started heresy among the Vong’s untouchables, but still:
We’re Shaming you such that you couldn’t recover were that what I willed!
Sonic the Hedgehog:
I’m reassuming center stage again to kick your sorry tails,
Self-chosen as the one who’ll bring back harmony, so sorry, Tails!
With fifty rings in hand, I’ll blow you off your feet a second time;
Bring consequences far more dire than those winds in Vector Prime!
Super Sonic: This Chaos-Agent’s trumped "Perfection" and curb-stomped wack salamanders,
And as non-robotic lizards go, call me your Finalhazard!
Like a Supreme Overlord with not a single string attached,
I’m unlimited to the seventh power; Palpatine’s no match!
Equipped with but a single Emerald-set, of extras, I’ve no need
To send you to your Myrkr; striking you with Hyper-Sonic speed!
Taking a page from my Thoraxian performance as I spit this,
You’ll go down in flames disastrously like my name was Iblis!
Brother, sister, tell Tahiri that I’ll be returning shortly
From confronting this piss-colored prick, achieving utter glory.
I’ll release a wave of lyrics that’ll rock your world forever:
One that couldn’t be stopped by you and Mega Man both put together!
I could decimate your cosmos Star by Star! What are you thinking,
Messing with the force that brought the dinosaurs to re-extinction?
It’s my specialty to rise to challenges no other could;
A second great big Feisty softie’s ’bout to get that understood… (*STRIKE!*)
…Gah, my spleen! Ah, well, no matter; I’ve still energy aplenty,
And I’d die before surrendering to you, to put it bluntly!
When you feel the white-hot burn of what my power’s pouring into,
It’ll mess your look up vastly worse than your Memento issue… (*BANG!*)
Sweet Aslan; Sonic, speak to me!
Sonic the Hedgehog: Don’t worry; I had rings left!
My dear baby!
Mara Jade: Are you okay, Annie?
Jaina Solo: Please get up…
Jacen Solo: …Yeah, he’s dead.
Mara Jade: What?!
Luke Skywalker: No, no, that’s not true; that’s impossible!
Princess Leia: What have I done?!
Jacen: I need to go rethink my life, not back at home, but on the run!
Sally Acorn: Ha!
Jaina: Don’t you dare laugh, fuzballs; this is all your fault; you murdered him!
I should abduct you for lab testing; think more Felidae than NIMH!
Luke Skywalker: I fear it’s my anger and hatred from which what we’ve suffered stemmed,
So though the Jedi will continue, it’s time for this feud to end…
So… what does this mean?
Antoine: That the Mobian world-victory’s renewed!
Bunnie: …And not a fat warlord in sight!
Sally Acorn: The glowing eyes are no-shows, too.
NICOLE: It’s my home-future’s polar-opposite!
Sonic the Hedgehog: We’ve finally won it all,
And we don’t even have to deal with any Wasteland protocol!
Don’t celebrate too soon, hedgehog, for I’ve returned in search of vengeance;
You have no idea what I’ve Sacrificed for my ascendance!
Nephews of your foes who took their places prior weren’t the brightest?
I’m so dark, they couldn’t so much as see my heart; the name is Caedus!
Waging most uncivil war, I’m back in black to dominate,
And soon, Antoine, his dad and my dear aunt will share a common fate!
Once I sic my Alliance Guard on you, there’s no use in retreating;
Watch as I put a G.A.G. order out against your very breathing!
You’re all talk, while I flow-walk in present, past and future tenses,
And I didn’t just honor brother with his girl as my apprentice:
It’s comeuppance for your team when Anakin returns the favor!
I’ll whip Bunnie into Cream, armed with my late Dark Lady’s saber.
Ending Sonic will be simple as his wack McDonald’s games,
And Sal, I’ve got a royal prick neck-snapping knack; ask mom’s old flame!
Invincible as I Reveal my Fury through Infernal rhymes,
The fans rechristened me, but there’s no contest here, you kriffing slimes!
The last live light of Leia’s lineage has returned to end your evil;
I’ve rejected darkness, helped out by Kyp Durron of all people!
Lesser heroes beat up Boba Fett; I put him to good use:
Trained with our former enemy! Between us, though, there’ll be no truce!
Ah, sister: I bid you dark greetings; I’d long-wondered where you were!
Come join me, and together, we as twins can smite these rabid cur!
Indeed, I see it now; a vision: you’ll fulfill your destiny,
Igniting your lightsaber blade and killing your true enemy! (*STAB!*)
Oh my stars!
Antoine: Mon dieu!
NICOLE: Meh; I’ve seen worse.
Julie-Su: Hell, I’d do that to my sis…
Knuckles: She’s gone mad!
Dimitri: Whatevs; kill me, for all I care.
Rotor: Do something, highness!
Sally Acorn: Let’s be rational here; think before you use that laser-arm…
…It’s Sonic’s fault, if anyone’s!
Sonic the Hedgehog: Wait, what?!
I mean none of you harm.
Each one of us has said some nasty things throughout this battle’s course,
And that’s what cost my brothers’ lives, such is the Dark Side of the Force,
So though I hate you, your whole franchise, and your fans’ furfaggotry,
I won’t kill you, for that would just perpetuate this tragedy!
…Did somebody say "tragedy"?
TO BE CONTINUED…